I think if I met me when I was 21, I am quite certain I would have slapped myself in the jewels. Sometimes I see people at coffee shops and gas stations and Wawas who remind me of myself when I was 21 and all I can think is "Ew. Youths." So insecure, so know-it-all-y, so self-absorbed (she said on the blog in which she writes exclusively about herself...yes I see it now...)
Other than my skin having been smoother (only slightly), I am much more of a catch now. I was born to be 30, I'm certain of it. I'm better looking, more intelligent, more independent, more well-rounded, and less concerned about inconsequential things. I also have no desire to spend time around stupid jerks, so dating is much more fun. And I can afford better lipstick (relax, it's still Target brand), so I often feel really happy even if the date is a bust.
Of course I know all of this now, but when I was considering breaking up with my ex, I assumed I was grotesque, old, and undatable, that if I did date, everybody would be similarly grotesque. I figured being unhappy with my ex was better than being unhappy in the world of dating.
Well, breaking up with my ex did not relegate me to a life of sad spinsterhood (though weirdly, that sometimes appeals to me). So to give a little motivation to my homies who are only in relationships because they're afraid to be single, I've put together is a list of every man I've involved myself with since I broke up with my ex.
Now, an important disclaimer for those of you who are unseasoned in the world of dating. Lest my light-hearted list paints too rosy a picture, let's just be honest that the world of online and offline dating exposes you to some of the most debased scum to ever walk the earth. I know, because I have dated some of them. They have filled up my inbox with pre-fabricated messages like the human spam they are. You must be strong to date. You must be able to look at someone and say: NO, I will not spend an ounce of energy on you even though you are [cute/smart/sexy/interested/available/not a murderer] because you will undoubtedly make my life worse and being alone is better than letting you within range to piss all over my beautiful world. And you must also be able to say OKAY! I will reach out! Even though you are wearing those terrible shorts! And then steel yourself for an inevitable rejection from shorts-guy.
So that said, here is my list, in order from earliest to latest, including nicknames.
Rock star
29, guitarist in a semi-successful band
Relevant Details and Key Takeaways:
- When a man asks you to be their date to a party, the appropriate response is not, "Why?"
- One's own stock may be higher than initially anticipated. Rock star was out-of-my-league hot, and he was obsessed with me. That was surprising. I think it was this coat I wore one time.
- I can't ever be in a relationship with a professional musician because he might live on someone's couch, and I might fall through the cushions into said couch whilst trying to make out with him.
- Steaming up windows in a car is a real thing that happens.
- If someone is a good kisser, you should take advantage of it and make out all over town and in churchyards and in people's yards and inside farm equipment in the rain because life is too short to not spend it kissing a beautiful man.
We kissed once in college
30, lawyer
Relevant Details and Key Takeaways:
- Dating someone who can dance very well and will talk to you for hours is the absolute best, regardless of whether it is an ill-fated pairing.
Recently heartbroken high school friend
31, teacher
Relevant Details and Key Takeaways:
- Getting a guy to make out with you can be utterly formulaic in its simplicity.
- Some people just grab onto your heart regardless of how shitty they treat you. For example, if you see them on and off for 6 months and then they end things by just never calling you again, you might still pine for them against all reason and good judgment.
- I like weird things in a man: a physical flaw like a scar or a lisp or a crooked nose, how he moves around his house, feeling like we are equals, an embarrassing laugh. All of these things are turn ons.
Tiny redhead
30, law student
Relevant Details and Key Takeaways:
- With respect to gingers, re: the matching of carpets with drapes, the answer was 'almost.'
- You can tell how intelligent a man is by what he laughs at.
- However, you cannot predict how good they will be in the sack.
Hiker and biker
32, copy writer
Relevant Details and Key Takeaways:
- Sometimes you find a good man that isn't right for you, so you recycle him to your most deserving friend, and at our age that's a mark of true friendship.
No way
30, astrophysics doctoral student
Relevant Details and Key Takeaways:
- Sometimes someone will use fake pictures on an online dating site because they are ashamed of how they look, even if they look perfectly normal. Call bullshit (compassionately) on those people right away, because we can't date people who don't feel fuck-able exactly as they are.
- If you're ever on a date with someone who spends the time expounding on his largely unexamined views about boring topics instead of getting to know you, just leave after 45 minutes.
- Always be direct and honest when rejecting someone, first because that's how you avoid becoming the human scum you loathe, but also because you might run into the person the next FIVE WEEKENDS IN A ROW.
Guy who was over a foot taller than me
37, union organizer
Relevant Details and Key Takeaways:
- Sometimes you can have a lovely date that goes on for hours and hours and yet you've forgotten everything by morning.
Guy who went ahead and dated nearly every single woman I know in Philly
32, environmental engineer
- Sometimes it's fun to date the same guy as all your friends because then you are all in agreement about what bars to avoid lest you all run into him together. (You also have the option of ambushing him all together at his favorite bar, which could be fun.)
Crazy P
37, AIDS activist and strategist
Relevant Details and Key Takeaways:
- In some cases, telling a woman that you can't hear what she's saying because someone hacked off a bit of your ear with a machete once is a successful strategy in endearing you to her.
- How to preempt a kiss you'd rather avoid by using the sneak attack hug strategy: pivot, hug, run away waving and yelling "bye!" while he's stunned, standing there running away and wondering what just happened.
Best guy
36, Telecom person
Relevant Details and Key Takeaways:
- Sometimes someone is older, wiser, and more wonderful than you and despite how badass you are, you realize there are qualities of his you are not yet deserving of. Maybe in 5 years?
The Dry Saltine
31, nurse practitioner student
Relevant Details and Key Takeaways:
- Sometimes you will nickname someone "Saltine" and put them in your phone that way, and then when they call, you assume it's a French prostitute calling.
- Some people will bail at the slightest whiff of uncertainty or doubt. That's sad if you like each other, but you can't date someone you have to convince to want you, so you'll just have to find a way to get over it.
All of these people brought out different parts of me and in doing so made me realize how complex I am, which is exciting and sometimes overwhelming. But it's better than the small life I was living before out of fear of being alone. So we'll see what happens with the Saltine. Stay tuned.
- Some people will bail at the slightest whiff of uncertainty or doubt. That's sad if you like each other, but you can't date someone you have to convince to want you, so you'll just have to find a way to get over it.
All of these people brought out different parts of me and in doing so made me realize how complex I am, which is exciting and sometimes overwhelming. But it's better than the small life I was living before out of fear of being alone. So we'll see what happens with the Saltine. Stay tuned.
